i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
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Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ