I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
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*seductively corrects your posture*
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.