Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
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Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
Love this one 😂🧟
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.