*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
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*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Happy thanksgiving!
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.