*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
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My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
uncle dave has been through hell
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]