Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
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A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”