me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
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My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
Sing it!
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
This guy gets it.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.