Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
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Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
I’m too immature for adultery.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.