If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
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Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
The toilet seat moving unexpectedly has to be the scariest shit that can happen to you where you’re in absolutely no danger whatsoever
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
I want this so bad
boat question
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.