STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
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We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t