OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
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Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
normalize having existential bread
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
*pokes sex life with a stick
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there