HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
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this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.