What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
You Might Also Like
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Just me and my debit card against the world
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.