My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
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*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.