You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
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My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Realize this:
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Harsh but fair
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
12. I think about this all the damn time
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.