Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
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If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
I only treason on days ending in y
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Love this one 😂🧟
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain