My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
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Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out