Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
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me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.