I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
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if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Happy weekend !
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
#math
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
same bro
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?