Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
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[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
If I ignore life will it go away?
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.