My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
You Might Also Like
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Ok who’s got my black socks?
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.