Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
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Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
It鈥檚 only Quarantine if it鈥檚 in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
First day as a 911 operator:
鈥渨hoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
me: most people don鈥檛 use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that鈥檒l be $40,000
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn鈥檛 have to set next to anyone.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 馃憤馃ぃ鉂わ笍
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I鈥檓 over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.