WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
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“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
My first child will be named New Folder.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride