“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
You Might Also Like
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.