if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
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[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Best mom ever 😂
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
time for some seasonal decor
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG