My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
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When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.