Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
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I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Brother?
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones