The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
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“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.