*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
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I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Birds & Planes.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.