Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
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Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.