“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
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At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
But is it really??
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali