HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
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There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
#Caturday
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.