spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
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I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
KFC hitting the cannibal market
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.