A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
You Might Also Like
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
He’s cranky this morning
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Warm pools make me nervous.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.