at ease…shoulder.
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If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
This came to me in a dream.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse