[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
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They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
Why is this me 😫
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Doggies just call it style.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared