I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
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Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Ok who’s got my black socks?
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.