[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
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Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok