A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
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Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Oh yeah that’s it
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?