*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
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Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Good Morning.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
This is Sparta
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.