I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
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If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates