🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
You Might Also Like
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.