Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
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FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Every work meeting this week
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Oh hi lol
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm