You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
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Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Best spot.. 😅
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
No. YOU-buprofen.