Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
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I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.