[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
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[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Lube but for my dry humor.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.