My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
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[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?