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Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.