[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
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thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change