There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
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wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too